More on my life

How do you know if you've made the right decisions? I'm on the verge of another relationship, this one with someone that actually shows me and tells me that he cares for me. All the time. And while it's nice, we've had conversations about his need to put me on a pedestal and my feelings of complete inadequacy in being on one. Here I thought it would be nice to be with someone that seems to care about me unconditionally, but it still feels wrong. Maybe it's just because I'm not used to being shown this much attention. Or having my boyfriend close to tears by the mere thought that he's upset me somehow.

We're on the verge of moving in together. I'm thinking that hurdle is what prompted my uneasiness to creep back into view. To say that I'm cynical about relationships would be like saying it gets a LITTLE humid in Florida in the summer. I've expressed to him that I don't think ANY relationship I'm in will end any different than any of my past. Even though HE isn't like anyone I've dated, is that enough of a variable to keep this relationship going? My head tells me it isn't. My heart is hoping like hell that it is.

I'm so PROUD of myself!

I procrastinate. That's what I do. It's not exactly a trait I enjoy, but I admit it at any rate.

I also have a problem with confrontation when it leads to changes within my own life. Yes, EVEN when the change would obviously be for the better. For those of you that don't read my other blog at http://www.xanga.com/onewritingmomma, I have been with my current boyfriend for just about 2 years. All but the first 3 months have been one headache after another.

I have let him walk all over me, do pretty much whatever he wants to do. Since at least October of 2005 I have not trusted him. While I was working as many hours through a temp agency as I could, he was at home (supposedly watching my youngest) online, chatting and asking women to show him their breasts on their webcams. Still, I vented to a friend of ours, and chalked it up to being bored and placated myself that at least it was only online. This is a man that has probably had a porn fetish since he was born.

Last week, I sat down and wrote a letter explaining that I feel unfulfilled in this relationship, that I'm tired of being second to a porn fetish, that I wish he would spend HALF the time he does looking for porn on our RELATIONSHIP.

You know what I got?

He is now downloading it (onto MY computer mind you), and then simply changing the names so that I think it's an actual movie. WHAT!!!?

So, even though I've kept him around for so long, I've decided this is the last straw. He doesn't see anything wrong, therefore won't change. I'm 29, and while that's still young, I do not have the patience or even compassion at this point to help him with what he needs any longer if I cannot get any kind of reciprocity from him.

So as of today, I am OFFICIALLY single again.

I'm so excited!