Thursday, January 25, 2007

I have a headache!

Ok, obviously thinking I would be more motivated after getting rid of my now ex was STUPID!

Maybe if we hadn't spent almost 2 years together. Maybe if we hadn't spent ALL our time together. Maybe if he didn't act now like he never cared. Maybe...

But now, I can't watch TV shows we used to watch together, can't go places we went together, even laying down in the bed we shared for so long is damn near impossible.
I miss the good times, and even though we had our problems, there were good times. Taking the kids fishing, staying up and talking most of the night, when he first moved in and met me in the kitchen with a kiss that showed me how much he missed me all day, just little things, like coming up behind me while I was doing dishes and nuzzling my neck.

I fluctuate between being so sad I can't stop crying and am nauseous, or so pissed off that I want to throw things. Right now there is more crying than throwing.

I realize, thinking back over how I've felt for the last year and a half at LEAST, that this was a long time coming. Then I think that maybe if we'd communicated things would have been different. But I know this man, know how he makes everything all about him. Nothing would have ever changed. And even if it did a little, there would have never been any trust. I talked to the woman he was cheating on when he and I first started talking (I'm NOT proud), and even she is happier now. I don't know what I'm going to do when I move again, and have to grocery shop. I've spent almost 2 years, thinking at the store, if this was something he would eat, or what he would need to make meals. Man, that man could cook! My firsts without him are bringing brand new pain everyday.

I think I'm still mourning the time wasted and how good things could have been if he'd JUST have been a different person. LOL... I know, can't change them, but he'd changed when we were first together. I'm thinking it was just to hook me and secure his place to live.

I hope he realizes what he's missing. I would have done anything for him, if only he'd cared.

Tuesday, January 16, 2007

Ok, I'm back...I think

I was reading back to a post towards the end of last year where I said that if the only bad thing that happened this year was that my boyfriend (now ex, I think?) weren't together, that I would be just fine.

What the hell was I thinking?

Yes, we had more than our share of problems. Yes, there were trust issues. Yes, there were times when I couldn't even stand to be in the same room with him anymore.

So why do I miss him so much?

I realize that break-ups are never easy. I was expecting that. I was NOT expecting to not even be able to go to the laundromat because it reminds me of him. I was NOT expecting for him to NOW, after all this time, to start saying how much he cares for me. Guilt trip? Or the truth? Beats me, I can't tell anymore.

I have to physically remind myself everyday that we had problems. I realize that it wasn't all him, that being stuck in the house with no money and nothing to do and being in the same room together all the time would drive anyone nuts. It did to me, and now I'm left wondering if I made the biggest mistake of my life.

Then I go back to remembering that we had trust issues, and other problems...

I swear, is there anything like a break-up of a longterm relationship to make you question EVERYTHING that ever happened in it?

Wednesday, January 3, 2007

Well I did it...

I did it. I told him today was the last day he could stay here.

He started yelling that he wanted the computer router that he paid for.

We were together for almost 2 years, and all he can say is that he wanted the router?

I'll have to talk to him again, there's quite a bit of his stuff still here, unless he's chalking it up as a loss, but I can't see that, as all his computer programming discs are still here. He's a computer freak, I can't see him just leaving them.

He and I had so much in common when things were good, I'm really going to miss that. When we first started talking and hanging out we found out that we had almost everything in common. So why couldn't work? Why couldn't he just show, just a little bit, that he cared?

...going to go cry in a corner...

I'm so PROUD of myself!

I procrastinate. That's what I do. It's not exactly a trait I enjoy, but I admit it at any rate.

I also have a problem with confrontation when it leads to changes within my own life. Yes, EVEN when the change would obviously be for the better. For those of you that don't read my other blog at, I have been with my current boyfriend for just about 2 years. All but the first 3 months have been one headache after another.

I have let him walk all over me, do pretty much whatever he wants to do. Since at least October of 2005 I have not trusted him. While I was working as many hours through a temp agency as I could, he was at home (supposedly watching my youngest) online, chatting and asking women to show him their breasts on their webcams. Still, I vented to a friend of ours, and chalked it up to being bored and placated myself that at least it was only online. This is a man that has probably had a porn fetish since he was born.

Last week, I sat down and wrote a letter explaining that I feel unfulfilled in this relationship, that I'm tired of being second to a porn fetish, that I wish he would spend HALF the time he does looking for porn on our RELATIONSHIP.

You know what I got?

He is now downloading it (onto MY computer mind you), and then simply changing the names so that I think it's an actual movie. WHAT!!!?

So, even though I've kept him around for so long, I've decided this is the last straw. He doesn't see anything wrong, therefore won't change. I'm 29, and while that's still young, I do not have the patience or even compassion at this point to help him with what he needs any longer if I cannot get any kind of reciprocity from him.

So as of today, I am OFFICIALLY single again.

I'm so excited!

Monday, January 1, 2007

So fed up...

Ever had one of those days where you just wanted to shout at someone to STOP!

That's how it's been in this house since Saturday. For those of you that haven't read previous posts, due to some financial and health troubles this past year, I had no choice but to move back in with my parents.

That's right folks, I'll be 30 in April, and I'm living with my parents. How pathetic is that?!

Let me say, I KNOW this is temporary. My first goal for 2007 is to find a job that will afford me the luxury of moving the h*ll out of here!

Just to paint a picture, in this house right now there are my parents, my boyfriend, both of my children (we had my oldest for the weekend), and myself.

My mother thought it would be fun to let the kiddies stay up last night till midnight to ring in the new year. They made it, but after 10pm turned into whiny little devils. It didn't stop there, they continued the whining after they got up this morning! So, needless to say, it's grating on everyone's nerves, but HEY, you were the one that told them they could stay up KNOWING what they are like without enough stop yelling at them for showing signs of irritability!

My God, I really wonder how many times my mother will yell at my youngest before he just stops talking to her all-together.

We REALLY need to move. My goal for this next week, and every week after until I find one, is to go out to ANYWHERE around here and put in applications, resumes, whatever I need to do to get a job and get out of here. I know she's stressed with all of us in her house, but come on! When did I ever say this was a picnic for any of us?

Thank God I should have enough taxes left after I buy a car (or fix this beast, whichever is cheaper) to save away for a deposit. All I'll need is a job to make sure we can pay the rent.

Is it over yet?