Thursday, January 25, 2007

I have a headache!

Ok, obviously thinking I would be more motivated after getting rid of my now ex was STUPID!

Maybe if we hadn't spent almost 2 years together. Maybe if we hadn't spent ALL our time together. Maybe if he didn't act now like he never cared. Maybe...

But now, I can't watch TV shows we used to watch together, can't go places we went together, even laying down in the bed we shared for so long is damn near impossible.
I miss the good times, and even though we had our problems, there were good times. Taking the kids fishing, staying up and talking most of the night, when he first moved in and met me in the kitchen with a kiss that showed me how much he missed me all day, just little things, like coming up behind me while I was doing dishes and nuzzling my neck.

I fluctuate between being so sad I can't stop crying and am nauseous, or so pissed off that I want to throw things. Right now there is more crying than throwing.

I realize, thinking back over how I've felt for the last year and a half at LEAST, that this was a long time coming. Then I think that maybe if we'd communicated things would have been different. But I know this man, know how he makes everything all about him. Nothing would have ever changed. And even if it did a little, there would have never been any trust. I talked to the woman he was cheating on when he and I first started talking (I'm NOT proud), and even she is happier now. I don't know what I'm going to do when I move again, and have to grocery shop. I've spent almost 2 years, thinking at the store, if this was something he would eat, or what he would need to make meals. Man, that man could cook! My firsts without him are bringing brand new pain everyday.

I think I'm still mourning the time wasted and how good things could have been if he'd JUST have been a different person. LOL... I know, can't change them, but he'd changed when we were first together. I'm thinking it was just to hook me and secure his place to live.

I hope he realizes what he's missing. I would have done anything for him, if only he'd cared.

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