More on my life

How do you know if you've made the right decisions? I'm on the verge of another relationship, this one with someone that actually shows me and tells me that he cares for me. All the time. And while it's nice, we've had conversations about his need to put me on a pedestal and my feelings of complete inadequacy in being on one. Here I thought it would be nice to be with someone that seems to care about me unconditionally, but it still feels wrong. Maybe it's just because I'm not used to being shown this much attention. Or having my boyfriend close to tears by the mere thought that he's upset me somehow.

We're on the verge of moving in together. I'm thinking that hurdle is what prompted my uneasiness to creep back into view. To say that I'm cynical about relationships would be like saying it gets a LITTLE humid in Florida in the summer. I've expressed to him that I don't think ANY relationship I'm in will end any different than any of my past. Even though HE isn't like anyone I've dated, is that enough of a variable to keep this relationship going? My head tells me it isn't. My heart is hoping like hell that it is.

I'm still here

For those of you that thought I fell off the face of the blogging earth..I'm still here, or BACK rather.

Since August I've moved, started working on my writing more, and started working from home during the day as well as carting the kids around and back and forth to 2 different schools since September.

Lots has gone on in the last few months, mostly good...I will be posting later with lots of what's been going on here!

Yikes!

Ok...I know, I know! I've been slacking major on my blog. I have only one excuse for it...but it's a good one....life is FINALLY getting better!!

No, I still don't have a steady job, but I've been feeling good enough about myself to get back out there and start applying again.

Still dealing with the ex when I absolutely have to, which is only when he remembers he still has things up here. Even that has gotten better. When I hear from him, there's not the huge pull at the heart-strings that there was a month ago. It's been just over 3 months and I think I'm finally starting to get past the last 2 years.

Ok...I have to go for now...but I promise to write more later tonight!

Party!

It's time to party! The Ultimate Blog Party started March 2nd over at 5 Minutes for Mom!

Welcome to the party! Drinks and goodies are on the table to your left...music selection to your right! Don't mind the kids running around, I can't get them to bed when there's a party going on!

Ok, so I'm supposed to introduce myself. Anyone that's read any of my previous posts already knows I'm single! WOO HOO!!

I'm gonna be 30 in April. I've decided to either go out and drink or hide under the covers. Not quite sure which yet!

I have 2 boys, ages 8 and 6, who are the world to me. Both mama's boys, sensitive and sweet. Let's just hope they stay that way. My 6 year old wants to audition for American Idol. I hate to pull a Simon...but he's not good! Sorry hun, keep practicing!

Whatelse, whatelse? Bear with me, I'm working on getting over a horrific cold and can't breathe out of my nose.

Hmmm...well, due to health issues on my part, and complete selfishness on my ex's part, we ended up moving in with my parents in August of '06. While things are getting better, I still am not in a positive to move out again. I don't want to end up right back here again. While I'm grateful for their generosity...Man..do I want a place of my own again! After being gone for so long, to end up back with my parents wasn't a setback a was looking forward to. At least it's making me sure that I have everything set so when the kids and I move again, we are stable enough to make it if I lose work again.

So...Welcome to the party! Leave a comment so I know you were here! Have a ball!

A meme for the weekend

I read this at Why Are You Stalking Me? and got tagged. I don't normally do these, but I love reading, so I figure why not!

Instructions:

Look at the list of books below.
*Bold the ones you’ve read
*Italicize the ones you want to read
*leave blank the ones that you aren’t interested in. If you are reading this, tag your it!

1.The Da Vinci Code (Dan Brown)
2.Pride and Prejudice (Jane Austen)
3.To Kill A Mockingbird (Harper Lee)
4. Gone With The Wind (Margaret Mitchell)
5. The Lord of the Rings: Return of the King (Tolkien)
6. The Lord of the Rings: Fellowship of the Ring (Tolkien)
7. The Lord of the Rings: Two Towers (Tolkien)
8. Anne of Green Gables (L.M. Montgomery)
9. Outlander (Diana Gabaldon)
10.A Fine Balance (Rohinton Mistry)
11.Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire (Rowling)
12.Angels and Demons (Dan Brown)
13.Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix (Rowling)
14. A Prayer for Owen Meany (John Irving)
15. Memoirs of a Geisha (Arthur Golden)
16.Harry Potter and the Philosopher’s Stone (Rowling)
17. Fall on Your Knees(Ann-Marie MacDonald)
18. The Stand (Stephen King)
19. Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban(Rowling)
20. Jane Eyre (Charlotte Bronte)
21. The Hobbit (Tolkien)
22. The Catcher in the Rye (J.D. Salinger)
23. Little Women (Louisa May Alcott)
24. The Lovely Bones (Alice Sebold)
25. Life of Pi (Yann Martel)
26. The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy (Douglas Adams)
27. Wuthering Heights (Emily Bronte)
28. The Lion, The Witch and the Wardrobe (C. S. Lewis)
29. East of Eden (John Steinbeck)
30. Tuesdays with Morrie(Mitch Albom)
31. Dune (Frank Herbert)
32. The Notebook (Nicholas Sparks)
33. Atlas Shrugged (Ayn Rand)
34. 1984 (Orwell)
35. The Mists of Avalon (Marion Zimmer Bradley)
36. The Pillars of the Earth (Ken Follett)
37. The Power of One (Bryce Courtenay)
38. I Know This Much is True(Wally Lamb)
39. The Red Tent (Anita Diamant)
40. The Alchemist (Paulo Coelho)
41. The Clan of the Cave Bear (Jean M. Auel)
42. The Kite Runner (Khaled Hosseini)
43. Confessions of a Shopaholic (Sophie Kinsella)
44. The Five People You Meet In Heaven (Mitch Albom)
45. Bible (parts only)
46. Anna Karenina (Tolstoy)
47. The Count of Monte Cristo (Alexandre Dumas)
48. Angela’s Ashes (Frank McCourt)
49. The Grapes of Wrath (John Steinbeck)
50. She’s Come Undone (Wally Lamb)
51. The Poisonwood Bible (Barbara Kingsolver)
52. A Tale of Two Cities (Dickens)
53. Ender’s Game (Orson Scott Card)
54. Great Expectations (Dickens)
55. The Great Gatsby (Fitzgerald)
56. The Stone Angel (Margaret Laurence)
57. Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets (Rowling)
58. The Thorn Birds (Colleen McCullough)
59. The Handmaid’s Tale (Margaret Atwood)
60. The Time Traveller’s Wife (Audrew Niffenegger)
61. Crime and Punishment (Fyodor Dostoyevsky)
62. The Fountainhead (Ayn Rand)
63. War and Peace (Tolsoy)
64. Interview With The Vampire (Anne Rice)
65. Fifth Business (Robertson Davis)
66. One Hundred Years Of Solitude (Gabriel Garcia Marquez)
67. The Sisterhood of the Travelling Pants (Ann Brashares)
68. Catch-22 (Joseph Heller)
69. Les Miserables (Hugo)
70. The Little Prince (Antoine de Saint-Exupery)
71. Bridget Jones’ Diary (Fielding)
72. Love in the Time of Cholera (Marquez)
73. Shogun (James Clavell)
74. The English Patient (Michael Ondaatje)
75. The Secret Garden (Frances Hodgson Burnett)
76. The Summer Tree (Guy Gavriel Kay)
77. A Tree Grows in Brooklyn (Betty Smith)
78. The World According To Garp (John Irving)
79. The Diviners (Margaret Laurence)
80. Charlotte’s Web (E.B. White)
81. Not Wanted On The Voyage (Timothy Findley)
82. Of Mice And Men (Steinbeck)
83. Rebecca (Daphne DuMaurier)
84. Wizard’s First Rule (Terry Goodkind)
85. Emma (Jane Austen)
86. Watership Down(Richard Adams)
87. Brave New World (Aldous Huxley)
88. The Stone Diaries (Carol Shields)
89. Blindness (Jose Saramago)
90. Kane and Abel (Jeffrey Archer)
91. In The Skin Of A Lion (Ondaatje)
92. Lord of the Flies (Golding)
93. The Good Earth(Pearl S. Buck)
94. The Secret Life of Bees (Sue Monk Kidd)
95. The Bourne Identity (Robert Ludlum)
96. The Outsiders (S.E. Hinton)
97. White Oleander (Janet Fitch)
98. A Woman of Substance (Barbara Taylor Bradford)
99. The Celestine Prophecy (James Redfield)
100.Ulysses (James Joyce)

Ultimate Blog Party

5 Minutes for Mom is hosting the Ultimate Blog Party March 2-9. Click on the button on the left to learn more about it!

This Blog Party is all about meeting people – so put out some food, turn up the music and tell us a bit about yourself.

Yes – what would a party be without small talk? Be as funny, creative or straight forward as you like. Include a recipe or two, stream some music or videos, add a voice post or video of yourself, decorate your place – whatever will put you in a party mood. Be creative and have fun!

Hope to see you all there!

What's next?

Today marks 6 weeks since I became single again. I don't know whether to laugh or cry. I think the crying has far outweighed the laughing in recent weeks, so maybe we'll give laughing a try today. Can't hurt right?

I admit I feel that when you break up with someone, they should magically disappear from your life (moving to Alaska works for me!). Unfortunately, that rarely happens, and your stuck dealing with the person even after you realize that you'd rather stab your eyes out with a rusty fork than deal with them or hear from or about them from anyone. Unless, of course, you're hearing about how they are miserable and realize what an idiot they were to ever treat you more like a mother than a lover.

Ok! That OFFICIALLY ends my rant on the ex. Granted, as I'm still dealing with feeling like a fool for ever believing anything that came out of his mouth, there will still be times when I'm bitchy and questioning it all. However, I firmly believe it's time to sink or swim. While dealing with the demise of the relationship, I've also dealt with the demise of a turning car. Sure I can go forward and backward, hell I can even turn just a LITTLE bit, but the car is saying, "You get to stay in until you can fix me! HA HA!" We are thinking it's something as simple as the return line to the power steering pump. Man lets hope so, I don't feel like sticking too much more money into this thing!

On a lighter note, my 6 year old last night tells me, "Mom, you don't know what it's like to be a kid."

Man he doesn't know how good he's got it...

I have a headache!

Ok, obviously thinking I would be more motivated after getting rid of my now ex was STUPID!

Maybe if we hadn't spent almost 2 years together. Maybe if we hadn't spent ALL our time together. Maybe if he didn't act now like he never cared. Maybe...

But now, I can't watch TV shows we used to watch together, can't go places we went together, even laying down in the bed we shared for so long is damn near impossible. I miss the good times, and even though we had our problems, there were good times. Taking the kids fishing, staying up and talking most of the night, when he first moved in and met me in the kitchen with a kiss that showed me how much he missed me all day, just little things, like coming up behind me while I was doing dishes and nuzzling my neck.

I fluctuate between being so sad I can't stop crying and am nauseous, or so pissed off that I want to throw things. Right now there is more crying than throwing.

I realize, thinking back over how I've felt for the last year and a half at LEAST, that this was a long time coming. Then I think that maybe if we'd communicated things would have been different. But I know this man, know how he makes everything all about him. Nothing would have ever changed. And even if it did a little, there would have never been any trust. I talked to the woman he was cheating on when he and I first started talking (I'm NOT proud), and even she is happier now. I don't know what I'm going to do when I move again, and have to grocery shop. I've spent almost 2 years, thinking at the store, if this was something he would eat, or what he would need to make meals. Man, that man could cook! My firsts without him are bringing brand new pain everyday.

I think I'm still mourning the time wasted and how good things could have been if he'd JUST have been a different person. LOL... I know, can't change them, but he'd changed when we were first together. I'm thinking it was just to hook me and secure his place to live.

I hope he realizes what he's missing. I would have done anything for him, if only he'd cared.

Ok, I'm back...I think

I was reading back to a post towards the end of last year where I said that if the only bad thing that happened this year was that my boyfriend (now ex, I think?) weren't together, that I would be just fine.

What the hell was I thinking?

Yes, we had more than our share of problems. Yes, there were trust issues. Yes, there were times when I couldn't even stand to be in the same room with him anymore.

So why do I miss him so much?

I realize that break-ups are never easy. I was expecting that. I was NOT expecting to not even be able to go to the laundromat because it reminds me of him. I was NOT expecting for him to NOW, after all this time, to start saying how much he cares for me. Guilt trip? Or the truth? Beats me, I can't tell anymore.

I have to physically remind myself everyday that we had problems. I realize that it wasn't all him, that being stuck in the house with no money and nothing to do and being in the same room together all the time would drive anyone nuts. It did to me, and now I'm left wondering if I made the biggest mistake of my life.

Then I go back to remembering that we had trust issues, and other problems...

I swear, is there anything like a break-up of a longterm relationship to make you question EVERYTHING that ever happened in it?

Well I did it...

I did it. I told him today was the last day he could stay here.

He started yelling that he wanted the computer router that he paid for.

We were together for almost 2 years, and all he can say is that he wanted the router?

I'll have to talk to him again, there's quite a bit of his stuff still here, unless he's chalking it up as a loss, but I can't see that, as all his computer programming discs are still here. He's a computer freak, I can't see him just leaving them.

He and I had so much in common when things were good, I'm really going to miss that. When we first started talking and hanging out we found out that we had almost everything in common. So why couldn't work? Why couldn't he just show, just a little bit, that he cared?

...going to go cry in a corner...

I'm so PROUD of myself!

I procrastinate. That's what I do. It's not exactly a trait I enjoy, but I admit it at any rate.

I also have a problem with confrontation when it leads to changes within my own life. Yes, EVEN when the change would obviously be for the better. For those of you that don't read my other blog at http://www.xanga.com/onewritingmomma, I have been with my current boyfriend for just about 2 years. All but the first 3 months have been one headache after another.

I have let him walk all over me, do pretty much whatever he wants to do. Since at least October of 2005 I have not trusted him. While I was working as many hours through a temp agency as I could, he was at home (supposedly watching my youngest) online, chatting and asking women to show him their breasts on their webcams. Still, I vented to a friend of ours, and chalked it up to being bored and placated myself that at least it was only online. This is a man that has probably had a porn fetish since he was born.

Last week, I sat down and wrote a letter explaining that I feel unfulfilled in this relationship, that I'm tired of being second to a porn fetish, that I wish he would spend HALF the time he does looking for porn on our RELATIONSHIP.

You know what I got?

He is now downloading it (onto MY computer mind you), and then simply changing the names so that I think it's an actual movie. WHAT!!!?

So, even though I've kept him around for so long, I've decided this is the last straw. He doesn't see anything wrong, therefore won't change. I'm 29, and while that's still young, I do not have the patience or even compassion at this point to help him with what he needs any longer if I cannot get any kind of reciprocity from him.

So as of today, I am OFFICIALLY single again.

I'm so excited!

So fed up...

Ever had one of those days where you just wanted to shout at someone to STOP!

That's how it's been in this house since Saturday. For those of you that haven't read previous posts, due to some financial and health troubles this past year, I had no choice but to move back in with my parents.

That's right folks, I'll be 30 in April, and I'm living with my parents. How pathetic is that?!

Let me say, I KNOW this is temporary. My first goal for 2007 is to find a job that will afford me the luxury of moving the h*ll out of here!

Just to paint a picture, in this house right now there are my parents, my boyfriend, both of my children (we had my oldest for the weekend), and myself.

My mother thought it would be fun to let the kiddies stay up last night till midnight to ring in the new year. They made it, but after 10pm turned into whiny little devils. It didn't stop there, they continued the whining after they got up this morning! So, needless to say, it's grating on everyone's nerves, but HEY, you were the one that told them they could stay up KNOWING what they are like without enough sleep...so stop yelling at them for showing signs of irritability!

My God, I really wonder how many times my mother will yell at my youngest before he just stops talking to her all-together.

We REALLY need to move. My goal for this next week, and every week after until I find one, is to go out to ANYWHERE around here and put in applications, resumes, whatever I need to do to get a job and get out of here. I know she's stressed with all of us in her house, but come on! When did I ever say this was a picnic for any of us?

Thank God I should have enough taxes left after I buy a car (or fix this beast, whichever is cheaper) to save away for a deposit. All I'll need is a job to make sure we can pay the rent.

Is it over yet?